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5 January - 11:51 p.m.
Well, I started out in school on the right foot anyway. I just finished all my homework for the week in the two classes I�ve been to. I got up early, had breakfast, and went to SBX (student bookstore) where there was no line. I bought all my books for the quarter and went home. At home I sent out many emails about buying this quarter's books used and selling my old books.
Then I went to "Communication and Democracy," which seems like it will be cool with this social game component. Socially, the class is rich: Kathy, Kristen, Maegan, Tori and Ericka are in the class, so I�ll always have someone to sit with, in any event.
Then I had lunch, but I ate alone while Maureen, Amy and Allison ate at a table farther away. I felt lonely, but more on that later.
Then I meant to go to Intro Stats, just in case I didn�t get into "Diversity of Life." I got there 5 minutes late and I was too chicken to walk in late, so I just left. Instead, I went to Housing and changed my meal plan.
If I hadn�t gotten into DivLife, it would have sucked because I would have missed the first day of class, now all I have to do is go on Wednesday with my drop slip and get the prof to sign it. So I got into DivLife, and the class was big enough that I didn�t even see the Clique until we were leaving. It was raining hard and I was soaked and so I went home. Then I did homework and here I am. So the whole point of this summary of my day was to show how much I got done.
Now I have to talk about social life. Here�s an excerpt of what I wrote my parents in my email to them today: On the social front, things are not so cheery. The Clique across the hall is in full effect, and worse than before. Before break it looked like Lindsay and Maureen might be loosening up, but now it seems there�s no way. They don't even look at me now.
Everyone is going to the Keg tonight (the local bar and dance club). I could go if I wanted, it�s not just the Clique that's going, but I don't have the energy.
Last time I went it was very stressful. I know the rift makes it really hard for the other girls in my hall because they have to feel like they are choosing sides, and it�s easier for them to choose the Clique. After all, there's four of them to one of me, they're "cool," they always have drinks and a dance party going on.
I think I'll just go to sleep. It's easy to say I don't care, and that I can make new friends, etc. but it�s a lot harder when you are faced with it. Now I�ll expand.
I�m really sad. I wish so badly that I could go back to the first day of school and do it all over again differently. I have not only blown it with the Clique, but with everyone else who chooses the Clique over me. Obviously they weren�t discreet, and I don�t know how many people know what I did. Can�t they just forget it? I�m the one worst off here. They got rid of me (which I feel like they always wanted to do), Alison is happily brought closer to them and they all merrily enjoy excluding me. So they are all set. I�m the one with no friends.
Because I really don�t have any friends. No one calls me, emails me or anything. If I wanted to go out or something, I don�t know whom I�d call. I�m really lonely, but I can get by on my own, no problem, it�s just that I know that�s not right. I would have no problem existing as I did in high school: going to class, studying, being at home, alone, a lot, going out with friends occasionally. But how is that to live a life?
I know I�m bearing really hard on Marisa right now, and I don�t want to drive her away with my neediness. I don�t know what she thinks of the thing I did to Alison, but it really wouldn�t be fair of her to condemn me for it. We had fun over break, but I felt bad that I was so desperate to hang out with her. For some reason, I just couldn�t sit home with my parents; I had to go away.
And then there are guys. I know they aren�t supposed to be consuming my life, but I can�t help checking out every guy I see. The problem is that all the guys I was attracted to I�ve driven away with my drunken antics and/or the Alison thing (because they all know Alison from Jay, Lindsay from Conrad and I bet Maureen�s going to end up with Gavin, and of course they all know Amy: therefore, they all know what I did). All the football players, plus Noah/Eli. Hmm. Seems that�s it. But those are the only hot guys on campus. And you can�t force yourself to think someone�s hot, I learned that with Rich. I�ve lost Rich too, and I kind of wanted him as a friend.
I kind of want to transfer. I know that�s so uprooting and its hard to make friends because everyone has friends already, but at least I�d have a clean slate. At least people wouldn�t look on a friendship with me as a tainted thing.
But back to guys, while I was waiting to go to DivLife today, I had this day-mare of sorts. I saw my situation extended throughout my entire life. In middle school I lamented my lack of guy relationships, and I knew I�d have a boyfriend in high school. In high school I lamented my lack of guy relationships, and I knew I�d have a boyfriend in college. Now I�m in college and I�m lamenting my lack of guy relationships, and I think I�ll have a boyfriend when I get out of college. But what if the pattern continues and I never find one? Why are guys so averse to going out with me? Well, there�s Pete Stoffel and Rich, but why never a guy that I WANT?
Well, I have rush this week, and hopefully I�ll get into a sorority and hopefully I�ll get some new friends that way.
Oh, but I can give a New Year�s Resolution update. My resolutions were, for reference: no swearing, better posture, more fruits/veggies in diet, reduce fat intake, get in shape for lacrosse, stay caught up in schoolwork, be more frugal with money.
Today I only swore once I think, and I ate fruit at every meal and veggies with lunch and dinner. I didn�t eat that much fat either. My posture stunk though and I didn�t go to SPAC, but I am caught up with schoolwork.
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